my moms innocence makes me laugh

I wanted to make some chocolate chip cookies the other day and realized that I didn't have any baking soda, so I called my mom and asked her if she had any and could she put just a little bit in a ziploc bag for me and bring it along to church. When we got to church I asked her if she remembered the baking soda and as she reached into her purse she told me I didn't have a ziploc bag so I put it in this tin foil. And she hands me a piece of tin foil all wrapped up neatly with the baking soda in it. I chuckled inside and all I could think of was what if, for whatever reason. I got pulled over and the cops found this tinfoil package and unwrapped it and here I got some white powder in it? Unfortunately the story ends here and I won't be giving you any drama and excitement but still.................. my mom's innocence makes me laugh. Of course white powder in a ziploc bag wouldn't be any better but the tin foil takes the cake. I love my mom. She always makes me laugh and the two of us together are bound to be a comedy.

Demeral AND beer?

It was a Saturday night and I had just fallen asleep. What is that noise? It's my cell phone, something must be wrong. Groggily I wake up and search for the phone which is right next to the bed. Hello, it's my mom and she is nearly crying, Sheila can you take me to the emergency room I have so much pain, something is not right. Let me get some clothes on and I will be right there. Thankfully she is only 5 minutes down the road ( 8 in the dark). She had back surgery 8 days ago and is in the recovery stages. There is no one else in the waiting room so we never have to sit down and in only minutes we are in a room. Then she sits down, very gently. 5 minutes later a doctor comes in and listens to her situation. He rubs his chin and hesitates a few minutes and says let me get the nurse and I will need to have a look back there. That means lying down and that is when the intense pain happens. We look at each other with that knowing look that doom is about to happen. Here they come and carefully and slowly she lies down on her side with minimal amount of moaning. After checking he says I don't see anything out of place and it looks like it is healing well. I think what you are experiencing is the nerve endings coming back to life. Now it's time to sit up. With two of them helping her the pain is excruciating and the moaning is so loud and she almost passes out from the pain and another doctor comes in. Two doctors and a nurse are glaring at her with worried expressions. She is standing because that is the position they got her in. Oh my gosh it's terrible to see her hurt so badly. And there is nothing I can do! One of the doctors suggests a shot for the pain and she puts her hand up and shakes her head no and says I already took my pain pill. I said mom I think you should take the shot it will help you. She hesitates then agrees. So they all went out and one of the doctors comes back with the shot. She is sitting on the bed again and right in the hiney she gets it. Now we have to wait 10 minutes or so for it to take effect. We are chatting quietly and then she really starts chatting and occasionally her words are sloppy. Then she says I think this is starting to take effect because I am feeling a little --she was at a lost for words so I filled in--drunk? Yeah and we laughed and yack yack yack yack. She would change the subject before we finished the first conversation. She was funny. The doctor came in and told her to go home, rest and to call her surgery doctor monday if it continued. We'll get you a chair and wheel you out of here in just a minute. So I helped her to get dress and got our purses and went to get the car. SheIS funny when she is loopy. She had some trouble getting out of the chair and into the car and situated but she is such a trooper. I know she is still hurting and what can I do? We are driving slowly through downtown and the lights are blinking yellow and red since there is little to no traffic every night. She is sort of mumbling and says what is that place? Oh, it's a bar, a nice cold beer would be good once in awhile. I laughed and said sure let's stop for one that would be good with your demeral. We chuckled and she continues about how a cold beer once in awhile is so good and it's been so long since I had a nice cold beer and once in awhile I would love to have one and I probably drank enough beer to last me a life time already. As were going down the highway Scot is calling to see if she is okay and I told him she wants to go for a nice cold beer and he is laughing and says we can stop at Archie's on the way home. Its a little country bar down the road from her. And she says yeah we can go in their and do Kareokee. Boy wouldn't that be something. I can't sing and she can 't hardly walk and she is dopey as all get out. She is going to sleep good tonight. I get her home and I help her change and I tuck her into bed and prop a pillow behind her back to support her if she rolls cause that's when the pain hits. I kiss her goodnight on the cheek and say I don't know if I have ever tucked you in bed before mom? I love you, I love you to honey and thank you. I tell pops good night and wait in the car to make sure he gets the lights off okay. As they slowly go off from room to room I know they are securly safe for the night and I go home to crawl into my own bed. Pops tells me she was sound asleep before he got back to the bedroom.

The windows to small or my hips are to big

After dinner I grab my bucket and a few carrots and I am off to gather eggs and feed the animals. I have learned to do the goat yard first because they (Gus) has no patience in waiting to be second. First you fill the food tub with goat grower (cause I am growing some big goats)) then you add a scoop of corn because that's what makes them happy and distracted while I gather eggs in that part of the yard. There is a lock on the inside and outside of the door to the hen house so that when I go in to get eggs I can lock the door so no goats will follow me in there. It's narrow and forcing a large goat out backwards might not be to easy, especially a male with big horns. So I go in and lock the door and get the eggs, I unlatch the lock and push and nothing happens, the door must be stuck, so I push again and it ain't budgin. Many pushes and I discover that the latch on the outside fell down and I am stuck! This wouldn't be such a problem except that Gus doesn't like Scot and he has had a few "incidents" with him while being in the goat yard. The goat yard is now off limits for Scot. It's a male thing you know, don't mess with Gus's girls or he comes after you. Well, even if you don't mess with his girls you can't come in if your a male unless you want to wrestle with him. Soooo, what to do? I never go in there without my cell phone, just incase, and this is one of those just in case times. I call Shawn, he is the one who wrestles Gus to the ground if necessary. Shawn is on his way in town to pick up his daughter and so when I tell him I am locked inside the hen house in the goat yard he starts laughing his butt off. What are you going to do he asks? Well, there is a little window in the hen house and I think I can climb out that way, call you back and let you know. By this time Dolly is wondering where I am and she is calling for me. She is playing in the yard with poppy. I have no choice but to inform Scot that I am stuck. He laughs, then says let me come open the door for you. I yell no no you can't come in here. He opens the gate and Gus hears him and I yell Gus is coming get out! Very quickly he turns around and latches the gate. Well what are you going to do he asks? I am going to climb out this window here. Can you fit? I think I can. The window is up high so I stand on the nesting boxes and put one leg out. It's a good drop to the ground and I am not sure I can get the leverage to do this gracefully. Nope, this isn't going to work. Let me try to go head first I yell. He says you can't do that your going to fall. Looking at the drop he is probably right. And on second thought I don't think my hips will fit and then I will be hanging out the window with my hips stuck and who knows what would happen if that stinky goat came over to see me? He has been rather horny lately with his girls and I didn't want to be stuck there. So I yell I don't think I can fit through this window. Why mention that my butt would be what caused me to be stuck, that's like opening a can of worms with a man! I look up and Scot is getting ready to come in the gate again. I yell no, you can't come in here someone has to take care of Dolly. I envision him plastered to the ground with a huge goat looming over him, stomping on him and worse, and I am stuck and Dolly is all alone in the other yard. Oh the horror of it. He puts his finger to his lips and says shhhhh, he points to Gus who is on his knees busy eating with his back to the gate. Very silently he lifts the latch and opens the gate ever so slowly and latches it again very gently. He actually tip toes across the yard and unlatches the door to the hen house and rapidly tip toes back out the gate and I wait back with the carrot. He closes the gate latch with a clang and Gus pops his head up and swings around and looks at Scot, I yell Gus come get your carrot and he quickly lumbers over to me, eats the carrot and goes back to his tub of food. With a big sigh I leave the yard, latch the gate and put the chain around it. Then we laugh. And if you would have seen Scot tip toeing across that yard you would have laughed too. I called Shawn to share the story with him and again he is laughing his butt off.......Better cut a hole in that door so it won't happen again. Believe me, I totally secure the latch before I go in there so it won't happen ever again.